(A classroom at the Institute for the Advancement of Dictatorships. A whiteboard at the front. The students sit at small desks. Morning light falls across the lake. The Instructor stands by the whiteboard. On it, in large letters: MONEY.)
Today we talk about money.
Some of you will inherit it.
Some of you will take it.
The distinction, as you will learn, is largely ceremonial.
(He pauses.)
Some of you will remember our field trip to Cairo.
Our host on that occasion has kindly agreed to visit us today.
Please welcome the New Pharaoh.
(The New Pharaoh enters. He nods once. He does not smile. He takes a chair to the side — not at the front, not among the students. Slightly apart.)
Good morning.
(The students echo his greeting.)
We are also joined today by a guest from another age.
A king. A reformer. A man who understood that the church was, above all, a balance sheet.
His Majesty, Henry the Eighth.
(Henry VIII enters. He is large. He looks at the whiteboard, then at the New Pharaoh, then at the students. He picks up a marker and adds, beneath MONEY, the word: MINE.)
Your Majesty, perhaps you could begin by telling the students how you approached the question of —
I dissolved the monasteries.
Yes. And —
All of them.
All of them.
Eight hundred and eighty-six.
On what grounds?
Corruption. Moral laxity. The will of God.
Which was it?
All three. In that order of convenience.
(The First Student looks at Henry VIII.)
What did you take?
Land. Buildings. Gold, silver, livestock. All of it. Overnight.
Overnight is careless.
(A brief silence. Henry VIII turns to look at him.)
I beg your pardon?
It draws attention.
Attention.
You wrote it on the board.
(He gestures toward the whiteboard.)
That is the mistake.
I took what was mine by right and by God.
When you took it, everybody knew it.
(A pause.)
Is that not unavoidable?
No.
But surely people see —
There is nothing to see.
No villas. No yachts. No gold on the walls.
Nothing that was not there before.
Then where does it go?
(The New Pharaoh looks at him for a moment.)
That is precisely the point.
(He gestures at Henry VIII.)
He was always going to be caught.
I beg your pardon.
I am the Supreme Head of the Church of England.
I remade the law of this kingdom in my own image.
And you stand there and tell me I was careless.
(He pauses, breathing heavily.)
In my time I would have had you arrested before breakfast.
Charged by noon.
Tried by evening.
And beheaded before the sun went down.
(A pause.)
With an audience.
Of course you would.
(The New Student turns to the New Pharaoh.)
You have not told us yet where the money goes.
And I will not.
But trust me, children, it is there.
And it is a lot.
More than he could ever dream of.
(Henry VIII looks at him.)
Your suit looks so cheap.
I think that might be the point, Your Majesty.
(The Instructor clears his throat.)
Gentlemen. Can we turn to taxation now?
Taxation. Yes.
A fine instrument.
I taxed the clergy.
I taxed the merchants.
I taxed the peasants.
I taxed the peasants again.
Again.
A kingdom runs on revenue.
Without revenue there is no navy.
Without a navy there is no kingdom.
It is very simple.
And did they pay?
Not always willingly.
There were rebellions.
There were suppressions.
(The New Student turns to the New Pharaoh.)
And you? What do you tax?
We do not tax.
We subsidise.
I do not understand.
We subsidise.
Fuel. Bread.
But then how —
You do not tax?
No.
Not at all?
Not meaningfully.
But how do you fund your navy?
We have no navy worth speaking of.
Your armies then.
My armies have interests.
What kind of interests?
Various.
(A pause.)
They build things.
They sell things.
Everybody is kept busy.
And everybody is content.
I don't understand you at all.
I know.
In my mother's country, people are taxed.
Heavily, sometimes.
She was elected on a promise to tax the rich.
And she kept that promise.
I was elected as well.
Elected?
Twice.
(The New Pharaoh turns to the New Student.)
And if I may —
your mother is playing a dangerous game.
You want the rich by your side.
I made people rich.
Finally we have something in common.
(The First Student leans toward the New Student and whispers.)
Your best friends are friends that depend on you.