(A classroom at the Institute for the Advancement of Dictatorships. A large window offers a view of Lake Geneva. The lake lies still in the morning light. The students sit at small desks. The First Student and the New Student sit side by side. At the back, Napoleon snores. The Instructor stands at the front.)
The InstructorToday we shall talk about gender. Please welcome our two esteemed guest lecturers.
(The door opens. Catherine the Great enters in a gold-embroidered gown.)
The InstructorWe are so honoured, Your Highness.
(Catherine looks at the room once and walks to the front.)
(A second woman enters in a navy pinstripe suit.)
The InstructorOur second guest is the, um, elected head of state of her country.
(A beat.)
The InstructorShe is also the mother of our newest student.
(The New Student's Mother takes her place beside Catherine. The New Student blushes and leans toward the First Student.)
The New Student(whispering) Oh my god. Why didn't they tell me?
The First StudentShe wears Prada.
The InstructorOur curriculum so far has mostly featured male lecturers. So, we are especially pleased that you are joining us today.
CatherinePapperlapp.
The New Student's MotherI am so pleased to be here.
(A beat.)
The New Student's MotherTo be alongside Her Majesty.
CatherineYou wear men's clothing. I liked that as well. Especially when horse riding. So much more practical.
The New Student's MotherMy son always wanted a horse, but we couldn't quite afford it.
The First Student(whispering into the New Student's ear) You'll have one soon.
(A beat.)
The First StudentAnd you'll name it Incitatus.
CatherineI murdered my husband. He was such a bore. But that was not quite the point.
The New Student's MotherI empathise. Men tend to be —
CatherinePapperlapp. They just stand in a woman's way.
The First Student(whispering to the New Student) Is your dad really so boring?
The New Student(whispering back) I'm so confused.
The Other StudentsPapperlapp.
CatherineMy husband would never have been able to do it properly. The conquests, the nation building, Russia's glory.
The New Student's MotherRussia's glory is being restored as we speak.
CatherineI hate that man.
The New Student's MotherFor us, he is a very good partner.
CatherineHe is an uneducated thug.
The New Student's MotherHe respects female leaders.
CatherineHa!
The Other StudentsHa!
CatherineIn my time, a woman who wished to rule had first to become something that men could not quite name. Not a woman as they understood it. Not a man. Something else entirely.
The First StudentCan you explain this a little more?
CatherineI am not talking about your LGBTQ stuff.
(A beat.)
CatherineI am talking about what a woman has to keep and what she must kill in herself.
The First StudentWhat did you kill in yourself?
CatherineMaking myself smaller than I was. In my time, that is what women would do. That is what my husband thought I would do. That is what his biggest mistake was.
The New Student's MotherMy biggest donor is a man.
CatherineAnd how could it be a woman? There is so much gender inequality in wealth these days.
The New Student's MotherThere certainly is.
CatherineAny plans to change that?
The New Student's MotherBy example.
The First Student(whispering to the New Student) You will have your horse very, very soon.
(A short knock on the door. The Caretaker enters.)
The CaretakerPardon me. I have brought another guest.
(Cleopatra steps into the room in a white linen dress.)
(A murmur among the students. Napoleon opens his left eye.)
The InstructorIs this — are you —?
CleopatraI am Cleopatra.
(Cleopatra eyes the students and walks to the front. The Caretaker takes a seat next to Napoleon.)
NapoleonWhat a nice surprise.
CleopatraI recognise you. You were so infatuated with my lover.
The Other StudentsCleopatra!
The New Student(whispering) She is even more beautiful than I thought.
The First Student(whispering) Your mother is quite dishy as well.
(The New Student does not respond.)
CleopatraYour caretaker summoned me.
The Other StudentsThank you, Caretaker. Thank you. Thank you.
Napoleon(whispering into the Caretaker's ear) I always wanted to meet her.
The CaretakerI know, my dear.
CleopatraShall we talk about sex?
The Other StudentsSex!
CatherineYou are even more beautiful than I thought.
The New Student's MotherYour dress is so elegant.
One of the Other Students(quietly) I wonder what's underneath it.
CleopatraDo you want to see it?
(A silence.)
CleopatraWoman must be without shame.
CatherineBut we must be subtle.
CleopatraTo make what point?
The New Student's MotherWe have to navigate carefully.
CleopatraBy wearing men's clothes?
Catherine and The New Student's MotherYes.
CleopatraThat is so twentieth century.
The New Student's MotherWe are in the twenty-first.
CleopatraThat is the point.
CatherineTell me. Was it Caesar or Antony for you?
CleopatraBoth.
One of the Other Students(quietly) A threesome.
CleopatraI might have enjoyed that. But Antony was not quite on my radar in 45. A real shame in retrospect. We might have had fun together.
The Other StudentsFun!
The InstructorSilence.
(The students chuckle.)
The InstructorThink about your Wi-Fi.
One of the Other StudentsI know what I will google tonight.
The InstructorI will really shut it down.
NapoleonThat would be a shame.
CleopatraIt would be.
(A beat.)
CleopatraFeel free to look at some AI images of me tonight. With Caesar... and Antony.
(The Instructor sits.)
The New Student's MotherI am in the process of passing a law that will restrict internet access.
The Other StudentsOh no!
CatherineI liked the idea of free speech.
(A beat.)
CatherineInitially...
The First StudentWhen you were courting Voltaire?
CatherineHe was such a dear.
CleopatraI was lucky enough not to have to deal with a press. Or worse, the internet. Admittedly, that did make things easier. Although there was gossip.
The New Student's MotherThere always is.
CatherineEspecially about women.
(Cleopatra looks at the New Student's Mother.)
CleopatraWho are you, by the way?
The New Student's MotherI am the head of state of New M—
CleopatraAh. The teeny tiny fleck north of Greece. My forefathers used to rule there.
CatherineAlways the bloody fathers.
NapoleonMine was a lawyer.
The CaretakerI know, my dear.