Swagger
A Play
The New Student · Sissi · Napoleon
The Other Students
(The classroom with the lake view. The students sit, Napoleon among them. The Instructor stands.)
Children, we have been working hard for years to arrange this. It was hard. He is such a busy man. But today is the day. We finally have him here.
(The door at the back opens and Alexander enters, clad in his battle outfit, golden armour, mini skirt.)
Please welcome the only ever rival to our resident, Alexander the Great!
(The students clap. So does Napoleon. Alexander moves to the front.)
Good morning. It's pretty here. I should have come earlier. Much earlier.
To conquer Switzerland?
Why not? And from here down south and further to the west. Might have been the better course of action — avoiding the bloody malaria.
So, you weren't poisoned?
Of course I wasn't. Nobody would have dared. It was just a damn mosquito. The Great being taken down by The Tiny. Ha!
(Alexander points to his left forearm.)
The spot where it bit me still itches.
(A beat.)
It's been itching for almost two and a half millennia.
Did you try Loratadine?
And Cetirizine and Fexofenadine. All to no avail. I have an appointment later today with the CEO of Novartis.
Good luck with that.
Thank you.
What will you teach us today?
(Alexander faces the Instructor.)
I'm here to teach? I thought I would come here just to be, um, here. To show off my lovely outfit. Next week I will be in Milano. I always liked fashion. And there is one designer I really have developed a weakness for. He has the most amazing take on the feminine in the masculine. He is not yet particularly well-known. I found him by chance on Insta and sent him a DM.
I think I know who you mean. The one who just posted this lovely green skirt?
Exactly, that's him! He is tailoring one of those for me as we speak.
I'm getting a little envious.
No need. I'll have him do one for you as well. Same colour?
Please.
Locked in.
(Alexander looks at Napoleon.)
One for you as well?
That would be kind.
No problem. I will have them mailed to you. Or would you want them to be hand delivered — and meet the young fashion genius?
Um, that's not really —
That would be lovely!
Consider it arranged.
Sir, can we now, please, turn to the lesson.
You want me to do a catwalk walk?
A catwalk walk!
(Alexander walks in assured steps towards the door, does a turn, and walks back. The students applaud.)
You have swagger.
So have you, my dear.