The Green Room

A Play

Cast

Muammar Gaddafi · Jean-Bédel Bokassa · The Director's Secretary · Napoleon

(A plushly furnished anteroom at the Institute for the Advancement of Dictatorships. Deep armchairs, a side table, a carafe of water. A door to the left, closed. Gaddafi sits in an armchair in uniform. Bokassa enters wearing his imperial crown.)

Gaddafi

Oh no. You again.

(Bokassa does not reply. He looks around the room, selects the larger armchair, and sits. He adjusts his crown.)

Gaddafi

As much as I hate to see your face, I must admit your crown still suits you.

Bokassa

As does your uniform.

Gaddafi

It has been through thick and thin with me.

Bokassa

If memory serves me well, you were in your undershirt during your last moments.

Gaddafi

It was hot.

Bokassa

They promised me I would get my diamonds back.

Gaddafi

You still trust the French. That's funny.

Bokassa

It is all mediated by the Swiss. And by this institute here.

Gaddafi

Me they have only promised a night in my tent in the garden and a reunion with my bodyguards. You get diamonds. Still, I wouldn't swap.

Bokassa

You and your tent. Always the showman.

(Gaddafi chuckles.)

Gaddafi

Says you.

Bokassa

Touché.

Gaddafi

Please. Not that language.

Bokassa

Did they tell you what they want from us?

Gaddafi

I understood they were in need of somebody who can talk about nation building. And about asserting global influence. Africa's global influence.

Bokassa

That's reassuring.

Gaddafi

When I look at you, though, I feel ever so slightly less reassured.

Bokassa

You want to start a fight?

Gaddafi

No. By all means no. You would smash my head in and eat my brains.

Bokassa

Please. I had standards. Veal over beef ... in a manner of speaking ...

Gaddafi

Phew.

Bokassa

I told you this in confidence.

Gaddafi

Of course you did.

Bokassa

I once offered a very, very tender tenderloin to Giscard.

Gaddafi

Mitterrand would have accepted.

Bokassa

That conjures up memories.

(A beat.)

Bokassa

Of those beautiful little birds.

Gaddafi

I am not usually into fowl. But the Ortolan is something else.

Bokassa

It is, isn't it.

Gaddafi

I still can't wrap my head around that you got away with it all.

Bokassa

They put me on trial.

Gaddafi

I would have preferred that to the bayonet.

Bokassa

That must have hurt.

Gaddafi

It rather did.

(A pause.)

Bokassa

Inflicting pain is so much better than receiving it.

Gaddafi

You have turned into quite the philosopher.

Bokassa

Did you not experience the same after your death?

Gaddafi

I always was a philosopher.

Bokassa

After you did not pay up I burned your little green book.

Gaddafi

Too bad. For you.

(The door to the left opens. The Director's Secretary looks in.)

The Secretary

Please accept the Director's apologies. Everything is running a little late today.

(She withdraws. The door closes.)

Gaddafi

So much for Swiss punctuality.

Bokassa

I always let everybody wait.

Gaddafi

Sure … but they are not us.

Bokassa

They told me they have some very talented students.

Gaddafi

I doubt any of them will ever wear a crown.

Bokassa

I polished it this morning.

(A beat.)

Bokassa

The ermine was also a little dusty.

Gaddafi

You cleaned it up splendidly.

Bokassa

Your uniform also looks very pristine.

Gaddafi

Fresh from the dry cleaners.

Bokassa

I will tell them I am a man like any other.

Gaddafi

I'm not.

Bokassa

Did you really blow up that Lockerbie plane?

Gaddafi

One does not build influence with press releases.

Bokassa

Cool.

Gaddafi

And you really butchered those children?

Bokassa

They had been throwing stones at my Roller.

Gaddafi

I read that. But still …

Bokassa

Still what?

Gaddafi

They were children.

Bokassa

There were eighteen children on board of Pan Am 103.

Gaddafi

I paid the families two billion dollars. How much did you pay?

Bokassa

Zilch.

Gaddafi

There you go.

Bokassa

But they met their death through fine ebony. And I allowed them to appreciate what was happening.

(A beat.)

Bokassa

They were not just vaporized.

Gaddafi

I would have preferred to be vaporized.

Bokassa

That is because they used a bayonet instead of a fine ebony walking stick.

Gaddafi

Maybe.

(A pause.)

Bokassa

They should have let us stay in power.

Gaddafi

The bloody French.

(Napoleon enters from the door to the left, slightly dazed, hands behind his back. He crosses the room without looking at either of them. He exits through a door to the right.)

(A silence.)

Bokassa

Was that —

Gaddafi

I believe so.

Bokassa

I can't believe it.

Gaddafi

They must be bloody joking.

Bokassa

Adding insult to injury.

Gaddafi

The bloody French.

Bokassa

In the good times they gave me the Légion d'honneur. The Grand-Croix, no less.

Gaddafi

You should have worn it today.

Bokassa

I couldn't find it.

Gaddafi

One must always keep order.

Bokassa

Without staff, I have become a little messy.

Gaddafi

I recommend you fix this.

Bokassa

Easier said than done.

(A pause.)

Gaddafi

They do keep us waiting.

Bokassa

I can't wait to tell them about my coronation. It was such a splendid day. For the people of the Republic … for all of Africa.

(A beat.)

Bokassa

And a teensy tiny bit for me as well.

Gaddafi

I watched it on TV.

Bokassa

If you had kept your promises I would have invited you.

Gaddafi

TV was just fine.

Bokassa

You missed the dinner.

Gaddafi

I'm glad I did.

(The door to the left opens. The Director's Secretary looks in.)

The Secretary

Gentlemen, my apologies for the wait. We will be ready for you in a bit.

(She withdraws. The door closes.)

Gaddafi

This is getting annoying.

Bokassa

I'm chilled. There is so much time in heaven.

Gaddafi

You could be there with 72 virgins by your side.

Bokassa

I have always been a stout Catholic.

Gaddafi

Were you, Salah Eddine Ahmed?

Bokassa

A moment of confusion.

Gaddafi

You tried to play me.

Bokassa

It was all genuine. I was in a crisis of faith.

Gaddafi

Were you?

Bokassa

I was. And I did confess it to my personal priest.

(A beat.)

Bokassa

And he absolved me of my sins.

Gaddafi

Still have your walking stick in heaven?

Bokassa

In heaven I float.

Gaddafi

I'm still in Jahannam. A pure technicality I'm told. A tad more purification and off I go to Jannah.

Bokassa

The Vatican is so much more efficient.

Gaddafi

One of my officers once presented me with a plan to assassinate the Pope.

Bokassa

That would have been a grave sin.

(A beat.)

Bokassa

I'm glad you didn't follow through with it.

Gaddafi

There were technical problems.

(Bokassa crosses himself.)

Bokassa

Thank the Lord.

(The door to the left opens. The Director's Secretary looks in.)

The Secretary

Gentlemen, we are finally ready for you. The students are very eager. You know, usually we have the successful here, the founders, the conquerors, the builders. So this is a real treat for them.

(She holds the door open.)

Gaddafi

Fucking Jahannam.