THE ORDER
A Play
Caligula • Condorcet • The Crowd and its voices
(Caligula and Condorcet on a balcony, looking down on the crowd.)
Voices
A.
B.
No—A!
B is better.
(The Voices continue.)
Caligula
Too much noise.
Condorcet
I agree, we should count.
Voices
One for A.
One for B.
Two for A.
Three for A.
(The counting continues.)
Caligula
This bores me.
Condorcet
It is exciting.
Caligula
It will go on forever.
Condorcet
That is the beauty.
It will converge.
Caligula
Enough.
It is done.
(A slight pause. The counting continues.)
Condorcet
How so?
Caligula
I made up my mind.
B it is.
Condorcet
But the A’s are leading.
Forty-seven to thirty-four.
Caligula
Who cares?
Condorcet
The truth does.
Caligula
The truth is, I like B.
Condorcet
This is not about what you like, monsieur.
It is about what is best.
Caligula
B is best.
For me.
Condorcet
That would only matter if you knew better than all of them.
Caligula
It’s not about knowledge.
Voices
Fifty-two for A.
Fifty-three for A.
Forty-one for B.
Caligula
If this goes on, I will feed some of them to the lions.
Condorcet
This must be avoided.
We should stop the count—and proceed with the leading A.
The Crowd
But what if we want B?
Condorcet
At this stage, that appears unlikely.
Voices
I certainly want B!
Me too.
Me as well!
Caligula
I told you so.
Condorcet
But the count was stopped.
Caligula
I thought you wanted to continue.
Condorcet
We now have a jury of sufficient size.
Caligula
The main thing is that this ends now.
Condorcet
I am willing to yield.
Caligula
We do B.
The Crowd
But what if there is a C?
Condorcet
(calmly)
Then we must elicit all your individual orders.
Voices
A over B over C.
B over C over A.
C over A over B.
A over B, and C the same as B.
Caligula
This is more entertaining.
Condorcet
But it is so much harder.
Caligula
Why so?
Condorcet
Because of a possible impossibility, monsieur.
Caligula
I enjoy overcoming impossibilities.
Think how I made myself princeps legibus solutus.
Think of my aqueducts.
Condorcet
I admire the latter.
Not so much the former.
Caligula
The latter wouldn’t be there without the former.
Voices
Twenty-two like A more than B.
Nineteen like B more than C.
Twenty-three like C more than A.
Condorcet
Oy vey, my paradox.
Caligula
So…
We do B.
The Crowd
We want to keep counting.
(Caligula raises an eyebrow. A brief silence. He turns to Condorcet.)
Caligula
As they wish.
Condorcet
Thank you, monsieur.
Maybe this will resolve it.
Maybe a clear favorite will arise.
Voices
Sixty-one like C more than B.
Fifty-five like A more than B.
(More voices, more counting.)
Caligula
A favorite has arisen.
Condorcet
Has it?
Caligula
Yes.
Condorcet
They are still counting.
Caligula
I have made up my mind.
Condorcet
So you will impose B through the sheer power of your princeps.
Caligula
No.
Condorcet
I’m relieved.
Caligula
I will feed the lions with all of them.