THE ROCK
A Play
CAST
THE BARTENDER
THE CRIMINAL
THE GHOST
GARY
(A bar at midnight. It is almost empty. The bartender stands behind the counter, drying a glass. A few chairs are already turned upside down on tables. The light is dim. Three guests sit at the counter.)
THE BARTENDER
Another round?
THE CRIMINAL
Sure.
GARY
That’s the right call.
(The bartender pours two beers, then looks at the ghost.)
THE BARTENDER
And for you, sir?
THE GHOST
A whiskey, please.
THE BARTENDER
On the rocks?
THE GHOST
Please.
(The bartender sets the drinks down.)
THE CRIMINAL
I once used a rock.
GARY
What for?
THE CRIMINAL
To smash his head in.
GARY
What a fine choice.
THE GHOST
Was it?
(The ghost shifts. He is suddenly wearing a black robe.)
THE GHOST
We could have been academics.
GARY
That would have been a mistake.
THE CRIMINAL
He was rich.
THE CRIMINAL
Then I became.
THE BARTENDER
Rich?
THE GHOST
Beyond our wildest dreams.
GARY
I knew it.
THE CRIMINAL
We were in Italy then.
(The ghost shifts again and is now wearing a cook’s jacket.)
THE GHOST
We were in a pasta class. I thought we would become chefs.
GARY
That would have been another mistake.
THE CRIMINAL
I remember how the blood dissolved in the sea.
THE GHOST
I remember his face.
THE CRIMINAL
He was a beautiful young man.
THE GHOST
There was a night when we became tender.
THE CRIMINAL
It abhorred me.
GARY
Rightly so.
(They finish their glasses.)
THE BARTENDER
One more?
THE CRIMINAL
Maybe I’ll have a whiskey now.
GARY
You are making good choices!
THE GHOST
I’m having whatever they aren’t having.
(The bartender pours.)
THE BARTENDER
Two whiskies. And for you, sir, a glass of champagne.
THE CRIMINAL
I forged his last will.
GARY
I knew it!
THE CRIMINAL
I moved to France then. I bought a very pretty cottage in the south, an hour or so from the sea. I’m a good swimmer, you know.
THE GHOST
As a child, we nearly drowned.
THE CRIMINAL
Thank God we didn’t.
THE GHOST
For once, we find ourselves in alignment.
GARY
Cheers to that.
(The ghost switches to a light linen suit.)
THE GHOST
I had suggested Morocco.
GARY
That would have been poor.
THE CRIMINAL
It would have been too rich.
THE GHOST
I still don’t understand why he doesn’t like this side of us.
THE CRIMINAL
There is no such side.
THE GHOST
Sure. Try telling yourself that.
THE CRIMINAL
He is annoying.
GARY
He is.
(The ghost switches back to his cook’s jacket.)
THE GHOST
In France, we took more cooking lessons.
THE CRIMINAL
We did.
THE GHOST
But then there was the lobster incident.
THE CRIMINAL
I put him in the microwave.
THE GHOST
I told you not to do this.
THE CRIMINAL
And then he knocked on the door from the inside with his claws.
THE GHOST
We never suffered so much.
GARY
But the microwave was an excellent choice.
THE GHOST
It was not.
THE CRIMINAL
No, it was not.
GARY
The microwave was optimal.
THE BARTENDER
I prefer boiling water.
THE CRIMINAL
I went into art next.
GARY
I like it.
THE CRIMINAL
I had met a great forger.
THE GHOST
We had. He was an incredible talent. But, of course, …
THE CRIMINAL
Of course, I had to smash his head in as well. This time with a wine bottle. A rather expensive Burgundy.
THE GHOST
I would have preferred to drink it.
GARY
That would have been a waste.
THE CRIMINAL
When he was dead, I discovered that my talents were not so bad either. I was almost as good as him.
THE GHOST
We wasted these talents of ours.
THE CRIMINAL
We made a lot of money.
GARY
I like money.
THE BARTENDER
Who doesn’t?
THE GHOST
I prefer beauty.
GARY
Bad choice.
(The bartender notices that all glasses are empty.)
THE BARTENDER
One final round?
THE CRIMINAL
Sure.
GARY
Absolutely.
THE GHOST
Not for me.
THE BARTENDER
Champagne for the two gentlemen, then? The bottle is still fresh.
THE CRIMINAL
Champagne it is.
GARY
Indeed.
(The bartender pours two glasses. The criminal and Gary clink them. They both take a sip.)
THE CRIMINAL
You know what? Let’s have an ice cube in that.
GARY
Brilliant.
(The bartender adds ice cubes to their glasses.)
GARY
I’ve never had champagne on the rocks before.
THE CRIMINAL
Rocks are important.
THE GHOST
Here we go again.
THE CRIMINAL
When I took it, I hesitated for a moment.
THE GHOST
Everything could have been different for us, if you had just listened to me.
THE CRIMINAL
It was just a second.
(He pauses.)
THE CRIMINAL
Then I took it to his head, and I became who I am.
(The ghost vanishes.)